There’s something funny about it. It’s been one thousand four hundred and three days since it happened. At the time, it was a joyful experience, and I was surrounded by people with a like mind and a passion similar to my own. It was an amazing experience at first. But the flower wilted swiftly.
One thousand four hundred and three days ago, I was made an owner of Kugyay. And now, it’s finally happened. Me and Butterfly came to the conclusion that it was time to close down Kugyay for good. The decision didn’t come easily. After all, four years of effort, money, time, energy… all gone down the drain. The reasons are endless as to why we came to the decision that we did. But for myself there were a few key points that I had to think of when it was time to decide.
Is Kugyay what I want it to be? The community is close, and there’s definitely a sense of family between a few of the members. The activity isn’t lacking by any means, and people can usually find someone to roleplay with in a few minutes. But under the surface of a seemingly happy community is everything that’s always swept under the rug. The fights, bickering, and negativity towards me and other members. The bullying that goes on behind closed doors. No, I had a dream for Kugyay, and it wasn’t what I wanted it to be.
Did I do everything I could? Above and beyond, sometimes overstretching my own capabilities to get things done. Countless amounts of money and effort were put into every single pixel on Kugyay. It was perfect in my eyes, because it had to be. It had to be so that I could be content with it, and so that the people who called it their home felt welcome. But it was still missing something. Even when I had exhausted all the resources I had to make it what I wanted.
Am I being true to myself? No. Something happened to me in 1403 days. I stopped being myself. I was what other people wanted and expected of me, and I began to shape myself to the image that an “Owner” was expected to have. It stopped being fun. I was constantly forced to check myself and ensure that I was maintaining an image which was hardly the real me. By 2016, I was a ghost of myself, and I had lost track of who I was. I was turned into something that was the product of the people who complained and got their way all the time on Kugyay. They shaped me into being the way I was, and I am sorry to say I just went right along with their plans. I came to the realization that I couldn’t run Kugyay anymore and be myself.
Are there other options? Could I pass ownership to someone else and keep Kugyay open? No. I wouldn’t wish the absolute burden of Kugyay on anyone. It’s fun at first, especially when you look at the surface of the community. But if you dug a little deeper into the actual operations and it was like trying to put together a smashed plate with nothing but bubblegum. That stress, and knowing how much it changed me as a person, meant that I wouldn’t be able to choose someone to pass it all along to. I’d feel too guilty.
Was it worth it? You probably expect some sappy answer along the lines of “Yes, and I’d do it all again” but no one is that good at a lie. The entire four years I had at the helm of these sites, I experienced a lot. I was a common factor that stayed stationary in the constant switch of other owners. It started with Burr, Tawny, and Dan. Then it was me and Burr. Then it was me and Burr and Butterfly and Rabb. Then it was me and Butterfly. And things were solid. Owning everything with Butterfly was amazing. She is my absolute rock when it comes to the internet. She keeps me on my game at all times, and is always there to comfort me when I need it. For Butterfly, and the friendship we now have, I’d say it was worth it. For the people I met who stuck with us through it all, yes. It was worth it. For the all-nighters, stress, workload, fighting, bullying, “old days” wishers, people who tried to discredit my work at every turn. No. It wasn’t worth it for that. And sadly the negativity began to outweigh the positives in a lot of aspects.
Am I hurt by this closing? Yes. I know a lot of people who called Kugyay their home are going to be devastated at this decision, and I feel so bad for them. Those who didn’t do anything to make this decision a reality. The people who contributed daily and constantly encouraged me and Butterfly to do our best. Butterfly, Fallen, Dolf, Wolfie, Jackal, Null, Thistle, Tawn, Tay, Prom, Sleet, Skip, Gull, Hawk…. And the countless others. You are all beautiful, and I really hope we don’t lose contact with one another.
One thousand, four hundred and three days later. It’s time for me to start rebuilding myself as a person. I need to stop living for a website. I need to live for myself, and learn to have fun again when it comes to role-play. The process isn't going to be easy, but I know that anything is possible with the amazing group of people I can call my friends.
It’s day one again, in a new chapter of my life.